Welcome
There are moments when I’ve wondered if love was ever meant for me. Not the polished version of myself, but the real one—the one who overthinks, shuts down, clings too tightly, or disappears when things get hard. The version with scars too deep to casually share.
And maybe you’ve been there too. Maybe love has never felt safe. Maybe the people who swore they loved you also left the deepest wounds. Maybe you’ve had to survive more than anyone should, and you’re still trying to piece together a sense of self that never got the space to grow whole.
If that feels familiar, I want you to know this: you’re not alone. And you’re not too broken.
Whether you’ve struggled with toxic relationships, attachment wounds, or just a lifetime of emotional confusion, this post is for you.
The Lie We Start to Believe: “I’m Unlovable”
When you grow up with trauma, emotional neglect, abandonment, inconsistency, or straight-up abuse, you internalize one of the worst lies: I’m unlovable.
It doesn’t matter how old you are. That belief can wrap itself around your life like barbed wire.
You may choose partners who trigger your deepest fears (because it feels familiar). Or you might keep your distance, even from kind people, because you’re terrified they’ll leave once they see the real you.
Sometimes, the worst heartbreak isn’t the person, it’s what they mirror back to you:
Your shame. Your pain.
Your fear of being “too much.”
Your belief that love is something you have to earn, beg for, or even fight for.
When Love Feels Like a War Zone
For a long time, I thought my emotional triggers were just personality flaws. I didn’t realize they were trauma responses, learned patterns that protected me once, but now just kept me stuck in a belief pattern of low self-worth.
“Trauma teaches us how to survive. But it rarely teaches us how to love.”
I couldn’t figure out why I’d shut down emotionally, pick emotionally unavailable people, or spiral into shame after trying to ask for basic needs.
And honestly? I was exhausted from trying to “perform” love (gifts, attention, validation, favors) while secretly feeling undeserving of it. I thought I wasn’t worthy of it, so I never asked for it,
Maybe you’re there now.
Maybe you keep giving to others, hoping someone will finally give back.
Maybe you’ve numbed out your emotions with addiction, distraction, or denial.
Maybe the loneliness is so loud, even when someone’s lying next to you.
If your relationships have been marked by emotional chaos, hot-and-cold dynamics, ghosting, betrayal, or control, you may have started to internalize the idea that you are the problem. When love feels unsafe or inconsistent, it becomes easy to start associating connection with pain.
Healing Is Messy (But Possible)
I wish I could tell you there was one book, one therapist, one moment that healed me, but healing is a slow process. It’s the quiet courage to stay when everything in you wants to bolt. It’s forgiving yourself for what you didn’t know back then. It’s letting yourself feel the grief of what was missing without letting it define your future.
What helped me start healing:
- Understanding attachment styles and how they shaped my reactions
- Writing and journaling
- Setting boundaries, even when it felt unnatural
- Letting go of the idea that I had to be “fully healed” to be loved
- Learning that I can be both broken and lovable at the same time
The Psychology of Feeling “Too Broken”
There’s often a deeper layer beneath the patterns we repeat in love.
Here are some common psychological themes (but not limited to):
Attachment Trauma
If you grew up with inconsistent caregiving (where love was conditional, absent, or unpredictable)you may have developed:
- Anxious attachment: fear of abandonment, clinging, over-explaining
- Avoidant attachment: emotional shutdown, distrust, fear of intimacy
These patterns often continue into adulthood, especially in romantic relationships.
Shame & Self-Blame
Many survivors of emotional or sexual trauma carry toxic shame, a deep sense that they are bad or not enough. This shame makes it hard to receive love, even when it’s offered.
Fear of Vulnerability
When you’ve been hurt repeatedly, your nervous system learns to protect you through hyper-independence, people-pleasing, or outright isolation.
How It Shows Up in Love
If any of these resonate, you are not alone:
- You attract partners who are emotionally unavailable
- You give more than you receive
- You push good people away or feel bored by healthy love
- You feel addicted to drama or chaos
- You confuse intensity with intimacy
- You crave closeness but sabotage it when it arrives
“Sometimes, we’re not afraid of being alone—we’re afraid of being seen.”
✨ The Turning Point: When You Realize Something Has to Change
At some point, I reached a place where I couldn’t blame every failed relationship on others anymore. I had to ask myself hard questions like:
- Why do I keep choosing people who trigger my abandonment wounds?
- Why do I shut down when someone gets too close?
- Why do I keep seeking validation from unavailable men?
The truth is: it wasn’t just about them. It was about the parts of me I still hadn’t healed.
And if you’re reading this, you might be at that turning point too.
Real Healing Starts With You
Here’s the truth I learned the long way:
You don’t need to be “fixed” to be loved. You just need to be seen. And that starts with you seeing yourself.
Here are a few steps that helped me and might help you:
1. Learn Your Attachment Style
Understanding your attachment style helps you recognize triggers in relationships and gives language to why you react the way you do.
Keyword: attachment theory, trauma bonds
✍️ 2. Journal Through the Chaos
Writing helped me make sense of the emotional mess. Start with prompts like:
- When do I feel the most unlovable?
- What did love look like in my childhood?
- What would safe love feel like to me now?
3. Set Boundaries Without Guilt
Boundaries aren’t about pushing people away. They’re about protecting your peace so love has a place to land.
4. Regulate Your Nervous System
Try meditation, breathwork, cold showers, yoga—anything that helps you feel grounded in your body. Regulating your system makes space for emotional safety.
5. Use Art and other Healing Practices
Here are a few short videos to inspire you.
You Are Not Too Broken
If no one has told you lately—your pain makes sense. You make sense.
You are not broken beyond repair. You’re wounded, yes. But wounds can become wisdom.
You are not hard to love. You just haven’t always been loved the way you deserved.
And maybe you don’t believe any of this yet. That’s okay. Some days, I still don’t.
But you’re here, reading this. And that means some small part of you still hopes—still wants to believe in healing, in softness, in safety. That matters.
Final Words of Hope
You’re allowed to start over.
You’re allowed to choose yourself, even if no one else ever has.
You’re allowed to walk away from love that confuses pain for passion.
You’re allowed to rest.
You’re allowed to be a work-in-progress.
And you’re allowed to be loved—especially by you.
Want more insight on why we keep choosing people who hurt us—and how to finally break that cycle?
Check out this post: Why We Keep Loving Those Who Hurt Us (And How to Break Free)
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