If there were a “right way” to raise kids, psychology would’ve figured it out by now. But here’s the truth: raising children isn’t just about food on the table or a roof overhead.

It’s about helping them grow into adults who feel safe enough to explore the world. Granted that the world is safe enough to explore. (we’ll get to that later)

Even with the best intentions, things don’t always go as planned.

Kids experiment with things they shouldn’t. They rebel against authority because they’re in a mood or just bored. They struggle with identity and who they want to be in the future. They inherit family patterns regardless of whether we wanted them to or not. And they face challenges their parents never expected in a million years.

This post is here to remind you: failure in parenting doesn’t mean you’ve failed as a parent.

Let’s unpack why the myth of “perfect parenting” is dangerous and why repair is always possible.

The Myth of Perfect Parenting

If “perfect parenting” were real, we’d all be living picture-perfect lives. No therapists, no guilt, no 2am Googling “I found a vape pen in my son’s room, what do I do?” 

Perfect parenting is NOT reality. Psychology doesn’t even suggest it. Instead, there is something called “good enough parenting.”

That idea comes from pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, who said”

Here’s the truth: parents don’t feel like failures because their kid slammed their bedroom door or ate too much cereal for dinner. Sometimes the guilt goes deeper. 

Many parents think they failed because their marriage didn’t last. Because they didn’t create that “stable home” they imagined. Or because life hit them with financial struggles, health problems, or mental battles they never planned on.

Listen, as a mom of two teenage boys, that weight is real. But it doesn’t make you a bad parent.

That means you could be quoting scripture every Sunday, but it won’t stop your daughter from becoming an OnlyFans model. And Junior? He’ll still test the waters of probation, no matter how many “good choices” lectures he sits through. 

And that doesn’t make you a failure or a bad parent; that makes you human, raising another human.

Why Parents Fail (or Think They Fail)

So let’s talk about the elephant in the room: why do parents fail? Or maybe the better question is, why do we feel like we’ve failed?

Sometimes, the answer is obvious. You were too young, too broke, too exhausted, or just not emotionally ready for the weight of raising another human.

Other times, failure comes from the stuff we don’t see, like the trauma we never healed, the addictions we never admitted, the way we repeat the exact same relationship patterns we swore we’d never repeat.

And then there’s projection. Parents love to project. If they didn’t get into med school, now you have to become a doctor whether you like it or not. Or maybe they’re still grieving their own lost dreams, so they try to live them out through their child. And guess what? That pressure doesn’t create a legacy; it creates resentment.

Sometimes, the failure isn’t even something you did. It’s what you didn’t do.

Here’s the uncomfortable truth: most of us fail because we didn’t know better at the time. We weren’t taught emotional regulation. We weren’t modeled healthy boundaries.

The Psychology of Parenting

Okay, so let’s zoom out for a minute and look at what psychology actually says about raising kids. Because spoiler: parenting isn’t just about you, your partner, and your kid in a bubble, it’s about ALL the forces swirling around them.

Here are the key theories that contribute to research, along with the themes and questions they provoke.

First up: Attachment Theory.

The very first relationship a child has — usually with the parent or caregiver — sets the stage for how they’ll see the world. If that relationship is warm, consistent, and safe, the child develops secure attachment. That’s the gold standard. They learn, “I can trust people. I can explore the world. I’m safe.”

However, if early childhood experiences are characterized by inconsistent, neglectful, or hostile interactions, then an insecure attachment style develops. This looks like anxious kids who cling, avoidant kids who shut down, or disorganized kids who swing between the two. And those patterns don’t just vanish — they often show up later in adult relationships. (Ever wonder why you or your ex couldn’t handle intimacy? Yeahhh. Probably attachment wounds.)

Then we’ve got Parenting Styles. Psychologists break these down into four categories:

• Authoritative: warm, firm, balanced. This is the “healthy middle.”
  
• Authoritarian: strict, cold, “my way or the highway.”
  
• Permissive: warm, but no boundaries. Basically, the “fun parent” who never says no.
  
• Neglectful: not warm, not structured. The “you’re on your own” approach.
  

Now, here’s where it gets bigger: Bronfenbrenner’s Ecological Systems Theory.

This model shows that kids aren’t just shaped by their parents. They’re shaped by layers of influence:

• Family, school, peers (microsystem).
  
• Extended family, church, neighborhood (mesosystem).
  
• Media, culture, laws (exosystem and macrosystem).
  
• Even the time period they’re growing up in (chronosystem).
  

Translation: You can be the most mindful parent in the world, and your kid is still being influenced by Fortnite, TikTok trends, and whatever wild thing their best friend whispered at lunch. That’s not failure, that’s reality.

So, psychology doesn’t just look at “bad parenting” in isolation. It looks at the whole ecosystem. Because raising kids is like planting a tree, you can water it, nurture it, and protect it, but it’s also shaped by the soil it’s in, the weather, and whether the neighbor’s dog keeps peeing on it.

Developmental Stages & Brain Development

Now, let’s discuss developmental stages.

One of the biggest mistakes parents make is assuming their child should act like a “mini adult” just because they reach a certain birthday.

Psychologist Erik Erikson laid out eight stages of psychosocial development, and several of them directly apply to childhood and adolescence:

Here’s the kicker: brain science (neurology) backs this up.

The prefrontal cortex — the part of the brain that controls decision-making, impulse control, and long-term planning — isn’t fully developed until around age 25.

So when your 17-year-old swears they know everything, just remember: they literally don’t have the brain structure yet to make consistently rational choices.

So when parents push too hard for their child to “act like an adult” at 15, 18, or even 21, they’re ignoring the psychological and biological reality that their kid is still deveopling into an adult. It doesn’t mean you don’t set boundaries. It just means you don’t expect a half-finished brain to function like a fully installed operating system.

Section 6: Hope for Parents Who Messed Up

Alright, so here’s the part you’ve probably been waiting for — is it too late? If you’ve made a mistake as a parent, is the damage permanent?

Short answer: no.

Here’s what psychology teaches us — kids don’t need perfect parents. They need repair.

And it’s not just about them. Repair is also about you. Being able to say, “I got it wrong. I want to do better,” is how you break the generational chain. That’s how you stop repeating patterns.

Here’s the other thing — kids are way more adaptable than we think. Their brains are still wiring and rewiring. Their nervous systems can heal. Their sense of self isn’t set in stone. Yes, early wounds hurt. Yes, some scars last. But humans are built for growth. It’s never “too late” unless you give up.

And if you’re doing your own inner child healing along the way? Even better. Because the healthier you get, the healthier your relationships with your kids will be.

Thank you for reading and checking out my latest workbook on healing your inner child.

-Des