👽 Human, I come in peace. Please read the entire Introduction and disclaimers.
Introduction
First things first…
I am not an atheist (life is mystical), and I don’t hate Christianity (or any religion).
However, I create provocative and thought-provoking stories and art inspired by my personal journey through Christianity, religious trauma, and spiritual awakening.
⚠️ Important Disclaimer
This story draws inspiration from real-life experiences and explores themes of faith deconstruction, religious doubt, depression, and suicide.
While this narrative may provoke deep reflection, it is not intended to incite distress. ( my intention is not to emotionally upset you)
As a mental health professional, my goal is to contribute to the conversation surrounding spirituality, existential crisis, and it’s effects on mental health.💜
*Please approach this work with care and an open mind.
This creative piece (an audio narrative presented in video format) was recorded several years ago and was part of my abandoned podcast, Provoking Spirituality.
⏳ Upcoming episodes turned blog posts:
🐒 Killer Monkeys & War (Morality)
🧠 Humans and Their God Complex
Looking for more creative stories of faith and myth? Watch my dramatic interpretation of Adam and Eve’s story here.
Prologue: A Story Born from Spiritual Crisis
This creative work was born out of a deeply emotional period of religious questioning and personal transformation.
Written over seven years ago, this piece captures a time when I was actively confronting my religious conditioning and feeling abandoned by God.
So get comfy, have some cookies and milk 🍪🥛 and enjoy the story.
God is Dead! (Original Podcast Episode)
Before you delight yourself in another piece of creative work, please understand that I have mild dyslexia and do not always see letters or numbers correctly. Please extend some grace for misspelled or spoken words.
For the Grammar Nazis: The written story is revised below for clarity.
*Personal Notes and Corrections
[3:00] I meant to say “forbidden”, not “unforbidden.”
[5:18] I meant to say “devoted”, not “devouted.”
Video Chapters:
⏳ 00:00 Podcast Intro
📖 1:10 Story Intro
🌀 2:14 Chapter 1: Struggling To Be Right
🌿 4:52 Chapter 2: Tempted Like Eve
🌑 6:41 Chapter 3: Going Into The Darkness
🔥 9:54 Chapter 4: Life Without God
🔍 11:42 Personal Reflection on this piece
**Personal Growth Update: I did poke at my father and his absence in my life. However, we have reconciled, but the effects of that experience still shape my journey. I hold no animosity and have found understanding in his choices and fate.
The Story Begins…
It all began with me crying on the floor, angry at God for ignoring my attempt at suicide—again.
I was deeply wounded, and I knew God had left me a long time ago. I didn’t want to accept it. My spirit was so broken that I couldn’t bear to exist anymore. I hated the way my life looked. I was tired of being depressed, having panic attacks throughout the day, and struggling to provide as a single mother with little support.
Prayers, supplication, church services, tithing, group meetings—and still, God was nowhere.
For a long time, I accepted my suffering as just part of my fate. I kept my faith in God and ignored my feelings of distance and abandonment. I believed I couldn’t trust those feelings because, well—God never leaves us.
No. He just watches silently as His beloved creation continues to suffer.
Chapter 1: Struggling to Be Right
Flashback to summer 2019—I had just finished editing my video about my Christian experience, and I must say, it made me very emotional.I kind of missed that bright-eyed 17-year-old girl who had fallen completely in love with Jesus.
It was the first time in my life that I had felt so much love and forgiveness. It felt wonderful to be unconditionally loved and accepted for who I was. It felt like I finally had a real father who would never leave me.
But now, years later, I look back and see all the cruel teachings that made me feel less of a person.
For example, I had children out of wedlock. I remained unmarried. And I couldn’t get rid of this burning desire to know “forbidden” things.
I was always curious about the darker aspects of existence, and no matter how far I shoved my shadow down, it always found a way to rise back up and create chaos in my life. When I asked pastors difficult questions, they couldn’t really answer me. They shrugged me off and told me to just have faith—because God knows all things, and everything happens according to His divine plan.
I’ll confess—I didn’t stay at one church during my time as a Christian, and I wasn’t perfect. I had moments of internal conflict and doubted my faith many times before I finally left for good.
But no matter how far I strayed, how much I “lived in sin,” or avoided church, I always knew there would be a welcoming community waiting for me on Sunday morning. A holy, loving father waiting for his prodigal daughter to come home. And God’s secret weapon—the Holy Spirit—was always just a praise song away.
Sin
I tried hard to be an obedient daughter of the Lord. I kept going through the cycle of repenting, living accordingly, falling into sin, running from confronting my sin, and then back to repenting again. I constantly beat myself up, trying to make my life right so God could forgive my sins.
Most of the time, I stayed sober, abstained from sex, went to church, tithed, volunteered, was kind to everyone, and prayed multiple times a day. At one point, I even wanted to be a nun. I couldn’t think of a more desirable lifestyle than to be married to Jesus and live in a church for the rest of my life.
But despite those moments of an over hype of God, the closer I tried to draw near, the more distant God seemed to become.
Chapter 2: Tempted Like Eve
The story of creation was the first biblical story I ever read, and I was hooked.I was amazed that God, with His mighty powers, could create everything in existence in only six days—and then rest with His beloved Adam on the seventh.
Christianity painted the image of God as a holy, devoted father to His creation. And being part of that creation made me feel special. It filled the void of a young girl yearning for fatherly love.
Exploring the meaning of life and death—why I was here, who I was, and where I was going—had always been a burning desire in me. So, on my quest for spiritual truth, I followed the crowd into Christianity.
Openly, I read scripture. Secretly, I craved more. I needed to know the most forbidden and secret knowledge that Christianity deemed evil. I mean, what was so dark that it had to remain hidden from the light—especially when the light is supposed to heal all things?
I read Revelation over and over, drawing “666” in different ways as if I were trying to crack a code. I became obsessed with the approaching apocalypse, where Satan would finally be let loose to ravage and kill the filthy, sinful humans. I was tempted to venture further into the abyss. But the fear instilled in me—the fear that God was watching and would surely punish me—kept me at a standstill.
Until one day…
Chapter 3: Going Into the Darkness
In a moment of desperation, crying out to God for help, I received no answer. It felt like the hundredth time I had been in this place. No matter what I did, I couldn’t feel God’s grace, His loving spirit, or the warmth of His embrace.
I wanted Him to whisper, Child, weep not—I am forever with you. But I felt abandoned. Abandoned by God in my deepest despair. I began to think—I must have done something wrong to deserve this. Somehow, it had to be my fault. My sin was to blame. And I had to reap what I had sown.
I prayed, I wept, I begged for forgiveness. I tried desperately to be the perfect Christian. But God never showed up. I ripped at least three Bibles out of anger, cursing at the heavens.
If God was so omnipotent, so omnipresent—why was He just watching me suffer?
I wanted to kill myself just to spit in Jesus’s face.
And in enough moments like that, I grew to hate Him. The pastors told me it was just a test of faith. But I was tired of being tested.
And in that moment, I realized I had three choices:
1. Continue suffering and keep my faith in God.
2. Serve a different god.
3. Or—walk my own path. No god at all.
I threw down the extension cords I was about to hang myself with and decided God could take my place instead.
After all—He was good at it.
God is dead.
Chapter 4: Life Without God
At that moment, I threw God and every mental association with Him out the window.
I was finally going to take full responsibility for my life.
For the first time ever, I was going to live on my own terms.
It was liberating.
It was terrifying.
And it was karmic.
Leaving religion is a journey through hell. You must burn away everything that isn’t true. Everything that isn’t you.
But on the other side, I opened my mind.
I became even more spiritually curious.
I explored modern occultism, New Age spirituality, philosophy, and religion—seeking any bold claim that could explain the mystery of existence.
And yes, I fed those demons that screamed for knowledge.
They died by gluttony. But don’t worry—new ones always appear.
Reflection
If you made it this far, thank you!
This short story took me a few years to write.
My goal was to share the emotional cycle of my time in Christianity—the love, the struggle, and ultimately, the moment I realized my faith might have been the root cause of my suffering.
Leaving Christianity was painful. But it was also a time of immense spiritual growth.
And my journey? It’s far from over.
Leaving Christianity wasn’t just about rejecting a belief system—it was about reclaiming my mind, my emotions, and my sense of self.
It was about confronting the psychological weight of religious guilt, the fear of divine punishment, and the existential crisis that follows when the foundation you’ve built your life upon begins to crumble.
Spiritual transitions are deeply personal and difficult to manage.
Whether you are:
Questioning your faith
Deconstructing long-held beliefs
Finding new spiritual perspectives
Or healing from religious trauma…
Know you are not alone in this. ❤️
Life After Religion
Walking away from faith doesn’t mean abandoning spirituality, morality, or purpose—it means redefining them on your own terms.
What I’ve learned so far:
✔ Faith is a choice, not an obligation.
✔ Curiosity is not a sin—it’s a gift.
✔ You don’t have to fear divine punishment to be a good person.
✔ You are allowed to change, question, and evolve.
✔ Your spiritual path is YOURS—no one else’s.
The journey of self-discovery beyond religious dogma is both liberating and terrifying, but it is always worth it.
Let’s Continue the Conversation
📌 Have you ever questioned your faith or experienced a spiritual crisis?
💬 I’d love to hear your thoughts. Drop a comment below or message me directly.
If you enjoyed this exploration of faith and deconstruction, watch my dramatic retelling of Adam & Eve’s story in The Fall of Humanity.
Additional Resources:
- If you’re navigating religious deconstruction, check out this insightful article on Religious Trauma & Healing.
- Interested in the psychology behind belief and doubt? Read about The Science of Faith & Spiritual Deconstruction.
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🙏 Thank you for being part of this journey. More stories coming soon.