Why First Dates Should Come with a Warning Label
Ah, online dating—where the love of your life could be one swipe away… or, in my case, a masterclass in oversharing with a side of bad breath.
Girl, let me tell you about Dave. (Name changed, obviously)
Dave was a Bumble match with potential. 🐝
He was in his mid-30s. Cute with short brown hair, definitely interesting, and best of all, not another copy-paste “Hey, beautiful” kind of guy. He was unique, which I liked.
But then… the messages started.
The Messages – A Digital Avalanche
Holy moly!
Before we even met, Dave had already virtually talked my ear off.
The paragraphs. The links. The pictures. Ugh.
I couldn’t possibly respond to all of it, so I did what any rational person would do—I ignored him for a few days.
Eventually, my guilt caught up with me (and maybe some light peer pressure from my therapist), so I replied:
“Hey, that’s all really great! Maybe we can meet up for coffee and talk about it.”
Coffee was my therapist’s idea.
I hadn’t been on a date in 5 years and apparently, coffee is a low-risk, socially acceptable way to filter out weirdos without committing to a full dinner.
Anyway,
Dave was in. And so began the strangest coffee date of my life.
The Arrival – The First Red Flag
It had snowed the night before, so parking was a nightmare.
I circled the block a few times before finally squeezing into a spot.
Dave, however, had no parking problems at all. Why?
Because he doesn’t drive.
Now, let me be clear—I had no prior knowledge of this.
If I had, I probably wouldn’t have agreed to meet him.
Not to be harsh, but my lifestyle requires some conveniences, and playing Uber for my partner is not one of them.
Still, I was trying to be a woman of my word, so I went inside.
The Date – Welcome to Oversharing 101
Dave was cute enough. Never married, no kids. Promising, right?
Then he smiled.
Oh no.
I try not to be shallow, but his teeth were… struggling. Like, they were in the prequel to their glow-up story.
Oh, and his breath?
Girl, Even my coffee couldn’t fight off the secondhand assault.
He assured me he was “in the process” of finding a dentist, but based on the current state of affairs, that process had been on pause for far too long.
Still, I told myself to focus on the conversation.
Like, his teeth can be fixed, and he can learn to drive, right?
And who knows, maybe he had a great personality?
So I let him talk; let’s just say Dave had a lot to say.
Within 20 minutes, I had learned:
✔️ He is a semi-devout Catholic, but only when it’s convenient.
✔️ He is not into anything ‘taboo’—which is unfortunate because I am deep into taboo.
✔️ He grew up extremely poor and now lives with his twice-divorced dad.
✔️ He has baby fever.
BABY FEVER!!!
At this point, my soul was actively trying to astral-project out of this coffee shop.
As I sat there nodding politely, my brain was screaming:
“RUN. RUN NOW. FAKE A FAMILY EMERGENCY. PRETEND YOU’RE LATE FOR YOUR OWN WEDDING. GIRL, JUST GO.”
But I’m too nice. And he was so happy to have someone to talk to, so I waited until my parking meter ran out like a responsible adult.
But let me tell you the rest of the story, and no, this date did NOT get better.
The Ultimate Dealbreaker – The Audacity Edition
As if all that wasn’t enough, Dave then decided to casually pitch me his long-term life plan.
Apparently, if we were to be together, I would need to move in with him and his dad.
Not could. Not maybe someday.
Would.
Oh, and let’s be clear—his dad was okay, well, kind of.
The man didn’t need medical assistance; he needed an alcohol referee to make sure he didn’t go from ‘casually sipping’ to ‘recklessly existing.’
Then, as if he hadn’t already secured a lifetime membership to the Red Flag Club, he hit me with this:
Dave: “Can you cook and clean?”
Me: …Yeah?”
Dave: “Good. Because that would be a requirement.”
A REQUIREMENT?!
Excuse me, sir, but am I dating you or applying for a full-time, unpaid housekeeping position?
At this point, I half-expected him to slide a chore chart across the table.
Let’s recap:
✔️ I wouldn’t just be dating Dave—I’d be inheriting his fully capable but perpetually drunk father.
✔️ I would be required to cook and clean for them both.
✔️ I would also need to bear his children, apparently.
✔️ I would have no privacy, personal space, or chance of escape.
At this exact moment, my soul packed its bags, booked a one-way ticket, and left me to fend for myself in this dating disaster. 🫠
Final Verdict: Friend-Zoned
Dave wasn’t a bad guy.
He was sweet, respectful, and just unaware of how strong he was coming off.
And not only his breath.
Somewhere out there is a woman who has a burning passion for vintage Christian patriarchy, and she is going to adore him.
That woman, however, is not me.
💌 P.S. If you enjoy real, raw, and hilarious dating stories, check out more of my thoughts and musings here: Unsent Love Letters
Additional Reads & Fun Dating Disasters
Looking for more laughs, relatable dating struggles, or just want to feel better about your own experiences? Here are some great reads:
🔹 The Worst First Dates Ever – A Collection of Dating Horror Stories – Because misery loves company.
🔹 Signs You’re Being Love-Bombed (And Not in a Cute Way) – So you don’t mistake ‘obsession’ for ‘romance.’
🔹 Best Dating Apps Ranked – Are You Even Using the Right One? – Maybe it’s time for a swiping strategy update.
🔹 Self-Care After a Bad Date – Because You Deserve It – The recovery process starts now.
Happy reading! And if you have your own bad date story, drop it in the comments—I need to know I’m not alone in this! 😂