Do you find yourself stuck in the same cycle—falling for people who consistently let you down, yet you struggle to walk away?
Don’t worry. You’re not alone. Many people experience this painful pattern, clinging to relationships that are unfulfilling or (even harmful and abusive) hoping that love will eventually heal the relationship. But it never does.
So why do we keep loving those who hurt us? 🤔
The answer lies in psychology, childhood attachment patterns, and deep-rooted emotional conditioning. Through understanding these influences, you can break free from toxic cycles and build healthy, fulfilling relationships. (platonic and intimate)
The Psychology of Why We Stay in Toxic Relationships
How Early Love Shapes Adult Relationships (Attachment Theory)
Our “attachment style” (how we relate to others) is thought to be shaped in early childhood.
Attachment Theory, developed by psychologist John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, explains how early relationships with caregivers impact our ability to form healthy romantic connections later in life.
There are four main attachment styles that shape the way we experience love:
💙 Secure Attachment – People with a secure attachment style grew up with caregivers who provided consistent love, emotional support, and validation.
As a result, they form healthy, stable relationships, communicate effectively, and trust their partners.
Those with secure attachment can navigate conflicts without fearing abandonment or emotional withdrawal.
💚 Anxious Attachment – This style leads to clinginess, fear of abandonment, and emotional dependency.
People with an anxious attachment style often seek constant reassurance in relationships and may stay in unhealthy dynamics out of fear of being alone.
🧡 Avoidant Attachment – Individuals with this attachment style struggle with emotional intimacy, independence, and vulnerability.
They may push people away when relationships get too close or dismiss their own emotional needs.
💜 Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment – A mix of anxious and avoidant tendencies, this attachment style develops from early trauma or inconsistent caregiving, leading to push-pull behaviors in relationships.
Bonus video 👇🏼
For a deeper dive into Psychology (before “attachment styles,”) check out my YouTube video on Melanie Klein’s Object Relations Theory, where I share how childhood bonds shape self-perception and relationships.
Plus, I guide you through a therapeutic art exercise to help uncover subconscious relationship patterns. 🎨
⚠️🖌️ Heads up! If you’re diving into the art activity in this video, make sure to pause before the analysis—otherwise, you might accidentally spoil the surprise your subconscious has in store for you! 🎨🧠
✨ Let it flow first, then come back for the deep dive! 😏
✨ Chapters ✨ 00:00 About Object Relations Theory 00:21 Hello and Important Notes 1:10 “Self” and “Other” Theory 2:28 How Attachment Issues Show Up 4:00 Importance of Good and Bad 5:28 Art Therapy Activity & Analysis
Intermittent Reinforcement (Hot and Cold)
Psychologist B.F. Skinner discovered that unpredictable rewards create powerful emotional bonds. This concept, known as intermittent reinforcement, explains why we stay hooked on toxic relationships.
When affection is given sporadically (meaning sometimes we’re given affection and other times it’s not there or withdrawn) our brains perceive it as valuable and worth chasing.
This is the same psychological mechanism that keeps people addicted to gambling: we keep trying, hoping that the next “win” will be the jackpot.
In relationships, this looks like:
✔️ Feeling happy & euphoric when our partner finally shows us love
❌ Feeling crushed when they withdraw the love… again
✔️ Holding onto hope that things will change, but they never do
❌ Believing that if you just try harder, give more love, resources, attention, etc. then the love you are given will stay consistent (it never does)
This cycle is emotionally exhausting and deeply addictive—but it’s not love.
Trauma Bonding: When Pain Feels Like Passion
Trauma bonding, a term coined by psychologist Patrick Carnes, describes the strong emotional attachment formed through cycles of abuse and reward.
If your partner switches between giving affection and showing neglect, then your brain will mistake the emotional highs and lows for deep love.
This explains why:
🔹 You justify their bad behavior, remembering only the “good times”
🔹 You feel addicted to them, even when they make you miserable
🔹 Healthy relationships feel boring or foreign because they lack the chaos you’re used to
When you grow up associating love with struggle, stabile and healhty relationships can feel uncomfortable and undesirable.
But real love isn’t about endless suffering. It’s about mutual care, trust, and emotional safety.
How to Break Free from the Cycle
Breaking free from toxic love isn’t easy, but it’s possible with awareness and intentional healing. Here’s how:
1. Challenge the Beliefs Keeping You Stuck
Many people rationalize unhealthy relationships with thoughts like:
🚫 “They have so much potential.”
🚫 “If I was better, they’d love me properly.”
🚫 “Love is supposed to be hard.”
These beliefs keep you trapped. Instead, reframe them:
✅ “Potential means nothing if it’s never realized.”
✅ “I deserve love that feels safe and consistent.”
✅ “Love should not be an emotional battlefield.”
2. Stop Making Excuses for Their Behavior
If someone is:
❌ Kind to you only sometimes
❌ Making promises but never following through
❌ Hurting you but blaming you for it
🚨 That is not love. That is manipulation.
The only real measure of love is consistent kindness and respect. (Please read that again!!!)
If someone cannot offer that, they do not belong in your life. <—emphasis on the period 🙌
3. Heal Your Inner Child & Rewire Your Patterns
Deep-rooted wounds need inner healing to break toxic cycles. Try these self-healing practices:
📝 Inner Child Work – Journaling or guided meditations can help heal childhood wounds that cause you to seek love in the wrong places.
This!!! 👇🏼
🧘 Mindfulness & Meditation – Practices like breathwork and grounding exercises make it easier to recognize toxic behaviors and avoid them.
💬 Affirmations for Self-Worth – Reprogram your subconscious with affirmations like:
“I deserve love that is safe and fulfilling.”
“I release relationships that do not honor me.”
🔮 Visualization – Picture yourself in a future where love is stable and nurturing. This rewires your brain to recognize healthy love when you encounter it.
🔥 Letting Go Rituals – Write a letter to someone who hurt you, then burn or tear it up as a symbolic release.
The Love You Deserve Exists—But You Have to Choose It
Healing takes time, but you are not doomed to repeat the past. You are worthy of love that is steady, kind, and unwavering—not one that keeps you trapped in cycles of suffering.
The first step is believing you deserve better—because you do. 💜
Keep Exploring: Heal, Reflect, and Grow
💌 Still holding onto past love?
Sometimes, the words left unsaid weigh the heaviest. If you’re struggling to let go of past relationships, check out Unsent Love Letters—a space to explore and release unspoken emotions through writing.
📚 Looking for books to help you heal? Dive into powerful reads on love, attachment, and self-discovery in my Bookshelf. From psychology to poetry, these books will help you understand relationships and cultivate self-love.
✨ Your healing journey starts with awareness. The next step? Choosing love that nurtures instead of drains you. 💖
📌 Related Posts You Might Like:
- “How to Heal Your Inner Child and Rebuild Self-Worth”
- “The Psychology of Trauma Bonds and Why They Feel So Addictive”
- “Mindfulness Practices to Overcome Anxiety in Relationships”
What’s Your Experience? Let’s Talk in the Comments!
💬 Have you ever found yourself stuck in a cycle of loving someone who hurt you? What helped you break free, or what are you still struggling with?
✨ Your story matters—not just to you, but to others who may be going through the same thing. Share your thoughts, experiences, or even a piece of wisdom in the comments below.
📖 Let’s create a space for healing, growth, and real conversations. I read every comment and would love to hear from you! 💖👇